Forgiveness

At the suggestion of a friend, we're going to take a look today at forgiveness.

I took the following definition from Wikipedia:

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.[1][2][3] Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).[1]

It's hard to forgive someone who has hurt you. I've done it and despite the difficulty (it literally took me YEARS to forgive my father for his actions) there is nothing like the peace and calm that comes on the day you're finally been able to truly say you forgive.

I think it's a lot easier to forgive someone who has hurt you vs. forgiving someone who has hurt a loved one. I had to do this when my daughter was bullied in elementary school.  I'm doing this again because my husband has been the victim of chronic abuse that went on for years and healing from this doesn't happen overnight.  Healing which includes forgiving his abuser.

My husband's experiences and story are his to tell and I encourage you to read his blog where he speaks candidly about his experiences:

Facts, Fictions and other F Words

I have no doubt that if my husband's story had been in a setting that was ANYWHERE but a church and if his abuser had been anyone but someone who acts as a pastor, the sharing of his abuse wouldn't be met with nearly as much criticism, negativity or skepticism as to his motives.

When we hear about child abuse or spousal abuse or sex trafficking of young girls for example - those hard and shocking abuses are met with compassion for the victim(s) and outrage at the abuser(s).  Perhaps it's because those abuses weren't inside a church. We wonder how those things could have happened, how things went on for so long or a common thought: why didn't they tell someone what was happening?  

The things Brian writes about are shocking to some. The things he writes about are disturbing when you really grasp just what goes on and where it happened.  Church is not supposed to be a place you run from to escape abuse.  The pastor of your church, the shepherd of the flock you are in should protect you, want to comfort you and pray with and for you and help you, not be the one who abuses you. The community of believers that surround you should come along side you in good AND bad times, not shun you or speak ill of you when things aren't all wrapped up in a pretty little box topped with a bow.

When you are victim to significant experiences/hurts, part of the healing process is to talk about what happened.  One only needs to peek into the waiting room of a psychologist's office seeing the people "lined up" looking for help to "get it out" once and for all in order to come to terms with events you cannot change and move forward.  Let's face it, if we were not supposed to talk about our hurts mental health professionals would be up the proverbial creek full of excrement without a propulsion device. (thank you Sheldon for that reference :)  Forgiveness is hard - but you can't TRULY begin to forgive someone until you come to terms with how they've hurt you.

To the folks who see Brian's blog as vengeful or an act by a bitter, disgruntled man "out to get" anyone; who see his honesty as anything BUT his taking steps towards healing and ultimately forgiving the church and his abuser I would ask you to take a moment and picture everything that he writes about.  Now imagine everything he endured happening anywhere but in a church and the abuse was done to him by anyone but a pastor and see if you'd perhaps have more compassion and less judgement about his motives.

What folks do or don't do with Brian's story is up to them.  But simply smiling and keeping one's mouth shut about chronic abuse is wrong no matter where it happens or who the abuser is or pretends to be.

I stand by and with my husband and will help him share his story to anyone who wants to listen.  Not only is it helping him but as a wonderful bonus Brian's strength and willingness to speak out is helping with my own journey towards forgiveness.

I'm proud of Brian for having the courage to write, to speak about things knowing full well many will (and already have) distance themselves from him and/or attempt to smear his character.  I too have begun to notice people distancing themselves from me.  To those of you who walk along with us THANK YOU.  If you feel you need to add distance, no hard feelings. We respect your choice and only ask for the same respect in return.

Brian and I are moving towards kicking off the dust that is on our sandals and relying on God as our compass.  We've come a long way in the past year but still have some road left to travel. God has our journey already mapped out and we trust His judgement and will walk where He continues to lead us.

Thanks for reading!