A Week Later...

Last week this morning we woke up together.  Me on the couch where I had moved for the last week to be close and you right by my side snoozing on the floor. We got up and went to the kitchen so I could give you your pills.  Even wrapped in chicken you wouldn't take them.  The denial of the chicken spoke volumes.  Mama knew it was time.

The first day without you was not one of mama's better days.  Oh how I cried for you sweet boy.

I woke up in the middle of the night and the first thing I noticed was your empty pillow. Empty because less than 12 hours before you didn't come home with us from the vet. You are, as the vet said, "no longer with us."  We did have chicken in your honor that very night for dinner.  We toasted to our favorite "Chicken Bandit" and remembered you and the happiness you brought to each of us.  Yeah, I brought stuffed dog Lamont down and put him on the floor where you would always be while we had dinner.  As silly as even I thought it was it made me feel a little better to have something there.  The empty space was (and still is) just not right.

I didn't cry yesterday.  I made myself do stuff.  It was good.  To say I felt "bad" or "guilty" is probably a bit harsh but I did a little.  When I realized I hadn't thought of you almost every second of the day it felt strange.  But even through grief, life must go on.  Go on it will and it is.

While I heard the service, I thought about you all during church (sorry Pastor R, although you did make me laugh a few times during your sermon and I remembered to put on that patience shirt when making dinner later that day so some stuff sunk in :) ) I couldn't sing much of each worship song cause I knew I would start to cry.  I guess folks around me were probably grateful since I can only carry a tune so much. I was missing you and sad.  Next to being at home I guess if you're going to be sad what better place to be sad than church.

Your Aunt Angela stopped over and brought us a beautiful urn for you when you come home.  She loved you a bunch!  This morning I printed out the last picture I took of you for your box and slid it into its slot. Even in those last hours you were such a handsome mutt with that grey, sophisticated muzzle of yours.  You aged so gracefully!

I guess I will get the call to come pick you up sometime this week.  I'll bring you home and we'll put your ashes inside your box and next to my mom you will go.  I don't know if you will be there for years on end like mom or if we'll scatter you.  Papa said you were happiest when you were with me so today I'm more inclined to keep you where you were happiest.

The void without you is massive.  Maybe one day Papa and I will get another dog - never as a replacement but as another companion who will hopefully (probably :) ) give to us the unconditional love and companionship that only a dog can give.  That you gave when you were with us.  If that happens, I suspect I'll know in some way, somehow that you'd approve.

Maddison has been sleeping a good bit on your bed.  Yeah, she stole it from you long ago but there seems to be something different.  She misses her puppy brother.  Caramella still goes to the closet as if you are still there waiting to get your bone. Like the rest of us, your kitty sisters will adjust and Maddison will always have that bed to lie on where she can smell and remember her brother.

I'm starting the week with the goal of moving forward and doing the things I've let slide or put off because mama needed to cry.  I'll still cry this week but I suspect not as much.  I'll not dread being around people as much - you know how mama just retreats when she's sad and really only feels OK around Papa and Samantha.

Baby steps... one after the other. Even when I don't make progress I'll aim each day to at least not lose any ground I've already gained.  Wise words indeed from your Papa.  :)

XOXOXO