Then and Now

I used to...

... think it was all about me.

... believe that I was the one in control of my life.  

... think my earthly father walked on water.

... find comfort from mental pain and misery through self - inflicted pain.

... wish that I was no longer alive.

... think God wasn't real.

... wonder why God didn't answer my prayers.

... be angry that God did not heal my mother.  

... think if I got into the whole "God thing" I'd have to become someone I wasn't and stop having all sorts of fun.

... spend money unnecessarily on things that mean very little to impress other people.

... let negative people and situations influence my words, thoughts and actions.


I used to do, be, think and say all sorts of other things like I've just listed.  That was before I became a follower of Jesus Christ.


Today I...

... know I can't do anything on my own.  I need the help and guidance from God every moment of everyday.

... know it is all about GOD and His plans for me, not the plans I make for myself.  He guides me, shapes me and shows me the way now that I listen to Him.

... know my earthly father is as broken and imperfect as I am and after having turned his back on me over 7 years ago, with the help of my Heavenly Father, I forgave him.  He did the best he could with what he knew and it just wasn't good enough.  While my earthly father left, my Heavenly Father will NEVER leave me.

... ask God to deliver me from the tough times and prayerfully wait for what His will is, not mine.  It sometimes feels like the light is never going to come but it always does.

... wake up thankful for each and everyday I am given.  God will bring me home in His time and until then, I will praise and thank Him when I wake up and when I go to sleep at night.

... know just how real He is and how becoming a follower changed, and continues to change my life.

... understand God answers all prayers - just not always the way we want Him to.  God knows whether or not something you pray for is part of His plan, we don't.  Unanswered prayers are merely proof that you asked God for something He knows you don't need or it is harmful for you and will wait patiently for you to realize it.

... (see above) when my mother went home to be with the Lord she left her broken, sick and pain riddled body behind and broke free from her physical and emotional earthly suffering.  I call that an answered prayer for healing!  I miss her and wish her time would have been longer but I can thank God for the 24 years she was a part of my life and take comfort in knowing she is happy and no longer suffering.

... am a changed person.  I changed not because I "had to" once I accepted Christ but because as I grew to know Him I WANTED to be a different person.  I wanted to clean up my language and stop hanging out in bars every weekend.  I wanted to go to church to worship and meet people who were on a journey like mine.  I came to realize that before, when I thought I was in control and having all this "fun" I was really miserable and having God in my life has made me happier than I ever was before.

... faithfully tithe to my church.  I tithe joyfully and when we are able we give more.  Helping others brings such a joy to my heart - better than any high I could imagine.  Even when things are tight, God provides us everything He wants us to have and knows we need.  The happiness we have in our lives is magnified when we tithe and I have experienced first hand how things seem to be not as good when we don't give all we can and do it joyfully.

... try to surround myself with positive people, places and situations.  While I'm not always successful the ongoing effort I make has greatly improved my life.  It hasn't always been easy and some people that I had known for decades are no longer a part of my life because they became toxic for me.  God puts people and situations in our lives for a reason.  I can't even begin figure out the reasons God does anything but I completely trust it is ultimately for my good - even if at the time I am left devastated.  From devastation always comes  truth and the light.


All this to simply say I am a changed person and while I don't have it all together, while I am an imperfect and broken sinner and do not deserve the grace and love God gives unconditionally to me, God DOES LOVE ME - warts and all.  Not only does he love me the way I am but He loves me too much to leave me unchanged.

I still go through tough times and trials - following Christ doesn't exempt anyone from that - but knowing God loves me, watches out for me and sent his only Son to die on the cross for my sins enables me to get through those times with a calmness and hope I never before experienced.

Father God, thank you so very much for loving me when I don't deserve to be loved.  Thank you for providing my family and I with shelter and food and clothing.  Thank you not only for the many blessings you have given me but for the lessons You had me learn from the tough times.  Thank you for forgiving me while I remain a sinner.  Thank you for waiting patiently for me to come freely to you and for carrying me along when I could only see one set of footprints thinking they were mine.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!